Coming Back from Vacation

I am happy to say that my running is a lot more regular these days than my writing about it.  Habit is still not a daily thing… but it is enough now to know that I miss it when I let enough days pass without a good cardiovascular jog.

I went on vacation last week.  It was a much needed escape from day to day life – a return to which is still a struggle this Monday morning.  It was a fantastic opportunity to visit with friends and see the city that is the other half of this blog.  But of course… the thing about vacation is that we delude ourselves to the fact that there are no consequences to our behaviors on those days.  Well, my vacation was a short three days… so any allowance I made was temporary… but… still an interruption of momentum and a complete reset on my internal clock.

I was actually starting to feel comfortable with the five o’clock hour.  I think that is aided significantly by the fact the sun is already beyond the horizon at that point… as we are fastly approaching that longest day of the year.  Regularity… and a determination to go to sleep before the eleven o’clock hour.  Indeed, if I can make it ten, I will.

Yeah… that all got thrown out the window last week.  Staying up beyond midnight.  Sleeping well beyond the five, six, seven o’clock hours.  Easy to do with days that are full and happy… but still exhausting.  So I came home with intentions of getting right back onto that running at the early hour momentum… and yeah, no.

I got back up on the day I went to work – to battle against sitting still at my desk for eight hours.  But I was soooo tired by day’s end that, well, I did manage an early enough bedtime.  I hoped it might inspire rising early enough to get in a run before heading up to my tourguide job in Gloucester.  But then we had a crazy thunderstorm at 3am when I woke up – wide awake… only to fall asleep too soon to that five o’clock hour.  Besides… it was raining.  But I told myself I would run up in Gloucester, taking advantage of those coastal paths.  Only… the day was so busy that never happened.  What did happen though, is I gave three tours.

It’s funny that I think that’s a big deal now.  Back in the heyday of my Higgins days, we gave six tours, back to back, up and down four flights of steep stairs.  Now… one one-hour tour is a big deal.  It was last summer.  I remember my stomach muscles hurting from breathing in on the words.

Three tours on Saturday.  No sore muscles.  Not a whole lot of exhaustion… well, until I had that white wine at the party after we closed.

So… it’s just one of those obvious things.  Regular activity, eating right, not sitting around on my ass all the time just… makes life easier.  Even though yesterday I decided it made life easier to just sit around and make up for the three tours by marrying myself to the sofa and television ALL the day long.

But I got sick of it.  And I was just being pissy territorial by not leaving the couch anyway.  But I don’t have a huge desire to watch a ton of television right now or anytime soon.  And I did get up at 5… 5:30 this morning.  The ‘rest’ made my muscles ready to go.  The breathing is getting better, deeper… and I just feel… I feel so much better.

Vacation was nice.  The best part was seeing people.  It was kind of fun to permit myself to eat more meat and idle… but I have to say I’m glad to be back to my spinach and running.

time to heal

Well… Life has been busy and stressful.  I’d like to think that walking/running helps the stress, but not when you broke your toe.

I’ve been on the sidelines for a while.

My toe is finally able to fit into a shoe and ok enough for a sneaker.  I’m going to start with my walking soon to test the toe out.

Lessons learned:  The couch leg always wins against little toes.   Broken little toes are not fun – you need them for balance and shoe wearing.  When toes are broken it hurts, pain shoots up to your hip like a hot poker.  Take care of your little toes!

I did find some tape that stuck to itself instead of my toe.  That was a life saver.  The best self-stick tape i found is at Walgreens.  It’s their house brand and it’s tan so, when you’re wearing it at your sister’s wedding, no one it pointing and laughing at the foot below the lovely black dress!

take care of your toes and feet!

Avoiding Standstill

Starting is a momentum all its own.  There is a determination to begin… but then the novelty wears off… or something comes along to hiccup the momentum.  My weekend was such a hiccup.  I was all about the physical activity.  I think I exhausted my body beyond what it really wanted to do.  And then I had a lot of sedentary things occur on my Saturday.  I had to take my Prius in for its required recall… requiring me to make do for three hours.  I found devotion to a book in Barnes & Noble.  But that was… still sitting.  Then, it was hours in that Prius to go out to western Mass to see a play – long play about Titanic – when I was sitting.  It was a long night and not enough sleep when I had to get up to go sit for a hot six or so hours for a Historic New England training.  It was too hot to want to do anything at the end of the day.  Or the next.

But I managed to get up on Tuesday.  It was like sleep running.  I was glad I did.  It wasn’t… really the best three miles I’ve achieved recently.  But not bad considering I had boiled water for hydration.

Tuesday was actually a crap day.  Well… not 100% … but enough to compound the gloom and doom that comes with this time of the moon.  I woke up a little after my prescribed 5:30 yesterday… but let that rationalization determine to stay in bed.  Yesterday wasn’t much of an improvement on the crap scale.  Just icky days.  Moon is in Aquarius, so the elements aren’t right for me… but I made myself run last night.  I have a dance class tonight and realized I should probably avoid a run in the morning of the day I take the dance class.  It was an okay run.  But there was something more liberating in the breathing.  I don’t know if it was the warmer humidity at the end of the day.  The more I had to push my diaphragm muscle after being gloomy and sedentary all day yesterday… or if I was jazzed from the book I was reading for an hour to pass the time for my run to be closer to sunset.

The carrot I gave myself for the run was that I could get Chinese food for dinner.  Chinese food always seems an appropriate antidote to this time of the moon.  But it was nearly 8 o’clock when all was said and done with my evening exercise… and I still needed a shower.  So laziness actually rationalized me out of caloric consumption.  Well… that and I figured it would be easier to pick it up on the way from my dance class tonight.  We’ll see if the impulse follows me.  But I figure if the craving endures that long, it should be indulged before it goes mad and loses any sort of logic.

Anyway… this week doesn’t feel as successful as the last.  But… well, my body feels good today.  We’ll see how pleased I am after the class tonight… but at least the momentum didn’t come to a standstill.

Inside and Out

Okay.  I slept in today.  But… it was actually an argument to myself that I should take a day of… rest.

I don’t want to lose this momentum.  Of course, I did give myself Tuesday off to allow for rainy weather.  But I got back up again on Wednesday and Thursday… and the body is feeling better.  Well, better in some respects.  The muscle above my right knee is tight today… but that’s not really a bad thing, I suppose.

Anyway, I realize that I have to mix things up a bit.  Do something for the other parts of my body… and head.  So I saw a Facebook friend (whom I know peripherally through other friends) was teaching a dance class close to my work.  It’s two hours after work technically ends… but whatever, I’ll linger at my desk and catch up on The Daily Show.

So I went for my first class last night.  It’s a Nia class, kind of a combination of modern dance, yoga stretches, and a little martial arts.  Really, it reminded me of the dance classes I took in high school.  So… that’s fun.  I can get the dance that I realized I’ve been missing in my life and not have to deal with theater people (musical theater people) to get a fix by being in a show.  I worked muscles that haven’t been worked by running.  But I also realized how sadly out of shape those muscles are.

It was a good class.  I signed up for four… and have every intention of returning.  It was fun and cleared my head in a different way from running.  It loosened muscles… which, like any form of physical exercise… tends to loosen the emotions one traps inside those muscles.  So… as much as I felt good by the end of yesternight… I also felt glum.

Well, I think that was compounded by the fact that I realized what a lot of work I have to do on my torso.  The place where all that stress and unhappiness has collected on my frame in the past few years.  It literally gets in the way of some moves.  Not to be discouraged.  I will keep practicing and get better… hopefully smaller.  But… ick.  I know I have to be here.  I know I can’t bury them back again.  And the good thing is I actually had to make myself eat dinner when I got home last night… so regurgitating this emotional crap isn’t giving me an urge to swallow it back down with sugar and grease.  But… it just puts a damper on things.

The last time I had this determined health kick and devotion to running … it was because I was happy.  I was high on a crush… so I guess we could label that emotion love.  So fighting the urge to sit still and be pathetic wasn’t a challenge.  It didn’t require a huge amount of effort to not eat and want to run off my agitation.  It was a happy motivation.  My momentum slowed when that balloon popped.  And it came to a standstill a year or so later when my heart was broken by the friendships that I considered a worthy replacement of that disappointment.  When I did swallow my hurt down and tied it up in muscles that I no longer used… and forgot because I stopped breathing so deeply.

I don’t know if I still need to deal with that crap.  I think I’ve been purging myself of hurt a lot in the past several months.  I think the drive to exercise is a release as a consequence… in some ways.  But I also think this is different from four years ago.  Because I’m not motivated by some ecstatic infatuation.  I’m working my way through this in spite of what I feel.  Not because of it.

Anyway, I still intend to take a walk at lunch today.  It’s such a glorious last day of April, I think I should attempt to catch the lingering blossoms on the pond.  And… if time allows when I get home, maybe I shall attempt some floor exercise to remedy these really, painfully neglected abdominals.

Momentum

So Sunday.  Didn’t have to go anywhere.  But I was determined to run before I started my day.  Only I opened my eyes in the 7 o’clock hour and said… oh… I don’t have to go anywhere.  So let’s wait until the 8 o’clock hour.  I knew it was going to be cloudy… so the sun wasn’t going to be brutal.

Well, I did it.  I ran.  But, waiting an hour still changed the air.  And it changed the momentum a bit.  Ah well… I still did it.  And just doing it is the goal of these days.

So one would think the momentum would fuel my determination as my week opened up on Monday.  Uh, yeah… no.  Not so much.  Sleep monster won at 5 o’clock this morning.  Somehow that part of my brain still manages seductive rationalizing.  Enough to convince me that I don’t have to get up and run.  That sleep is more appealing than the runner’s high or mobility of my limbs… or all the other good stuff.

And, yeah, it won when I had the promise of wearing my brand new sneakers for the first time.

I went on my run Sunday and thought the left shoe was feeling kind of funny.  Maybe it was the thinner socks.  It was the fact there was a hole.  On top of my toe… but, I’ve had two gift cards in my wallet for some time.  I needed to do something with myself yesterday afternoon.  So I went out and ended up only using one gift card – even with the additional purchase of a brand new red water bottle.

But I still wasn’t prompted to get out of bed and run this morning.

I knew the rain is in the forecast for tomorrow.  So that meant… no run this morning would be no run for two mornings… which would be a much heavier blow to momentum than having a sleep in for one day.

Funny thing though… it’s really only been a week.  And I did have lazy days this weekend after my morning runs.  BUT… whilst I was sedentary and bored at my desk, I was itching for some more activity.  I also had the guilt factor and the rationalization to which the sleep monster wasn’t able to contribute.  Plus, two shiny new sneakers waiting for me… so I got home around 5ish and was on the road by 5:30.  I felt a couple raindrops… but was confident the sky would hold it together before I got home.

It did.  My shoes were an improvement.   But I was running later in the day, so I don’t think I felt it.  For some reason my breaths weren’t going to my stomach.  I don’t know if it is the pollen, with which the air is thick… and yet exquisite as I ran under apple trees, beauteous even in the gray evening.  But anyway… that was annoying.  Even more annoying – the juice on my shuffle ran out just as I was revving up for the second interval of running.

I like the second the least.  It’s a deceptively flat couple tenths of a mile.  The music helps me forget about it.  Well, didn’t have music.  Just the sound of my struggling breaths.  Hm.

But then… you know, as I ran through the next intervals, I connected with my breathing.  It was the only sound I had… and so… the running… well, it was more complete.  Different.  Something I never thought to consider.  I walk without music more often.  Running… I feel I need the music to make me go.  But there was… well, it just became a better rhythm without the accessory.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’m charging it right now… but it was still a good run.  Better than I thought it would be.

And I’m just glad I made myself do it.  That I didn’t take a chance on squelching my momentum for an indulgence of the sleep monster.

Saturday Victory

Yesterday I didn’t want to wake up.  Funny considered I so triumphantly declared my victory over the sleep beast the day before.  I had a fitful sleep Thursday night… compounded when I awoke with a strange coughing fit.  I’m not sure what prompted it… maybe swallowing one of those spiders.  But it interrupted my sleep at 3ish in the morning, not finding relief very swiftly.  Making that 5:30 arousal less than desirable.  So I went back to sleep, rationalizing that I would run in the evening.

The sleeplessness haunted me much of the day… so that I got home from work, somewhat mesmerized by computer navel gazing all day, and didn’t want to do much more than sit on the couch, drink a bottle of wine, and stare at the computer and television screens.

But I promised myself I wouldn’t kill this momentum.  I had my day off.  I would get up and run… at some point today.  I have the whole day off and a need to stay in and not spend money.  Running will occupy an hour and consume calories, not dollars.

Well, wouldn’t you know?  The eyes opened at 7am.  The limbs were itching.  And my brain felt the impulse which I decided to not thwart with the rationalization it is Saturday and I can linger in bed closer to 8ish.  Nope.  Got up.  Got dressed.  Drank a whole bottle of water – because I did manage to drink a  whole bottle of wine – and went out.

The sun is definitely brighter at the 7 o’clock hour – warmer than it has been at the 6 o’clock version.  But the streets are so quiet on Saturday mornings.  The sidewalks – well, there are a lot of walkers and runners already out on their Saturday.  Well, that’s Newton.

That bottle of wine made the initial mile a little painful.  Alcohol is delightful in the present.  The lingering poison… not so fun.  I knew it was either going to be a painful run overall… or great.  Well, it wasn’t the high I achieved on Thursday.  But I was a little high when I stretched and felt the breeze ruffle against my skin on the porch.  I’ve included Dr. Who music on my Shuffle (dork) and the Gallifrey theme was playing… kind of a cool moment… for a dork.

But I was showered and run by the time I made myself an omelet to fill my stomach and absorb the lingering alcohol.

Speaking of… poor til payday.  So I’ll be teatotaling until then.  That’s what I get for drinking the whole damn bottle last night.

Anyway, now I have to figure out what to do with myself for the rest of the day.  I shouldn’t just sit on the couch at my laptop.  I could clean or something… or something… whatever.  I’m just jazzed that I ran at 7 o’clock on a Saturday.  That’s a major coup against the sleep monster.

The next looming battle, it seems, is a rainy forecast.

The Sleep Battle

Sleep is a seductive drug.  Well… somehow more seductive in the morning than evening when Facebook seems a more worthy passage of time as the clock creeps towards midnight… or these days, eleven.  But last night I got under the covers before the eleven o’clock hour.  I can’t say I was asleep right away… but I don’t rightly recall when I left conscious.

I haven’t used an alarm clock in years.  I think I broke myself of the habit when I was unemployed.  I can’t remember… but anyway, I don’t find them helpful.  Somehow I am able to rouse myself close to the hour I wish to get up.  Strike that.  Close to the hour I should get up.  And when the should is motivated by two extra hours to run and then have to take a shower (I usually do this before bed), it is a lot easier to close my eyes until my subconscious decides to wake again.

Of course I wake up and have a conversation in my brain.  About sleep.  All sorts of silly rationalizations that undo the misery of the end of my day when I lament my inactivity and the havoc it wreaks on my frame.  When those extra hours between my sheets somehow seem a better way to occupy time than improving my health.

Today I was able to rationalize against sleep.  Oh, don’t think that the id didn’t try.  I ran yesterday.  I don’t need to do it EVERY day.  It might be raining.  It’s too dark.  It’s… sleep is too comfortable.  But no.  I was awake.  At five.  So I allowed myself to shut my eyes for another 20 minutes.  Don’t ask me how I know how to keep time in my sleep.  I still had 10 minutes… so instead of tempting the chasm of sleep I turned the iPod on for three songs and then GOT out of bed.

Now… that’s only half the battle.  There have been several times when I’ve gone into the bathroom to splash water on my face only to come back and see that pillow calling to me.  But not today.  And I know the rule is, get up and make my bed.  So that pillow can’t be seen.  Then drink water.  Get dressed.  And go.  Because… the thing about getting up… I have no other reason to be awake.  I have nothing else to do at that hour.  So it is run or sleep.   A double edged sword, sure.  But, once I’ve decided against sleeping… well, there isn’t much else to do with myself at that hour of the morning.

I was expecting a little more challenge as it wasn’t a fresh run.  My muscles didn’t have that day my mind rationalized they needed to recover.  Um… yeah… id, that’s not a good argument.  Today was a brilliant run.  Added … okay, it was a tenth of a mile… or maybe .15… but that’s still insignificant.  Except it was uphill.  And when I descended that hill on Com. Ave…. well, I was thinking if Ben were real, he’d be a really happy vampire.

I’m in such a better mood today.  I realize that the moon is shifting into Leo… but, I owe most of my lighter spirit to the fact I didn’t sleep.  Because… those two hours of sleep may seem satisfactory for those eternal five minutes of debate… but it really just means my happiness goes to sleep.  While grumpy gets control of the day.

Of course, that’s just today.  I know tomorrow morning will be a whole new battle.  But, now I have fuel for the superego to win the debate.

Shaking Off the Winter Dust

Let me blow the dust off of this blog.

Rather creaky like my muscles.

Well, warm weather is here.  It’s actually been here for a while now.  Preemptive spring.  But I’ve had work and then there was rain and then there was some other silly excuse.  And then I’ve been just downright miserable this week.

Well… miserable in the way I don’t want to display too publicly.  Because I know it’s churlish and stupid and demonstrative of every impish female idiocy I don’t like to take ownership of.  And I let it eke into my confidence about self… but that’s old hat, so whoop dee do.  But then I started tearing myself to bits and pieces over my writing.  When I realized, I needed a dose of some sort of therapy.

So this morning I decided to run again.

I watched Lost last night.  And actually, the thought that echoed in my brain has been reverberating for several weeks now.  I watch these perfectly toned actors – because we can suspend disbelief about them starving on a deserted island and not having a gym to train at – but still… the muscle on the human form is something, isn’t it?  Now, I don’t have aspirations to achieve Hollywood six packs (ha ha) or even a fraction of that tone… but the fact is, I have the same number of muscles as those people.  So… in theory… I have the basic organic tools to make my body a stronger vessel.

But let’s skip the fantasy.  Two days ago, the Boston Marathon ran through my neighborhood.  I had the best of intentions to go watch.  But a late night with friends let the wind out of my sails on my day off.  I didn’t feel inclined to leave the house… and instead fueled that depression with inactivity.  But the following day, I had a handful of Facebook friends who did run… who achieved… who tried to achieve… and I started thinking… hey, I’ve got the tools to be like them.

It’s easy with the marathon in vivid memory to think I want to tackle that mountain.  But, um, right now, the mountain I have to tackle is getting up tomorrow.  I got up today.  Some time after 5:30.  At 5, I was ready to talk myself out of it.  But then I went to sleep and dreamt I was having a conversation about Hugo Weaving.  And for some reason, I woke up a half hour later and decided to get up.

It was a good run.  Well, the bits that I ran.  The intervals are greatly diminished.  But… they fueled my morning.  I’m lagging right now… but my breaths are happier for it.

Anyway… maybe the post 5 o’clock fatigue is making this more rambling than sensical.  BUT, the point is I started running again.  I want to keep running.  I want… some integrity as a novelist who creates a main character who runs.  I want to stop avoiding mirrors.  I want more cleansing breaths like I had at 6:50 this morning when I was stretching on the front steps.

So… I’m writing here again.  And here’s hoping that I have more to say on the morrow.

February Thaw

I haven’t written anything here in months.  I haven’t run since Thanksgiving… and something about the winter… well, it makes it easier to hide away and not pay attention to things.

Sort of.

I can’t chime in here and proclaim any great physical manifestation of my efforts.  I’m still frustrated with some clothes … and some pictures that accentuate unfortunate shadows under my chin.  But… I’m actually not fleeing from the camera, because I am starting to think about the fact this is my life… and I don’t want to hide from it.

This week has been full of bad news.  A couple deaths of people I knew, but not well.  Well enough to comprehend the gap left behind with their youthful passing.  One was too young.  Another was around the age of my parents.  A thoroughly nice man… but he smoked and did not have the best diet.  I also heard a friend (who is only older by about 15 years) is having a hysterectomy.  Ugh.

So… I’m really starting to think about the inside of my body more than the outside.  I mean, obviously, the fitting into a cute little dress idea is appealing.  But eliminating the pressure from my organs and fueling those organs with healthy fiber and nutrients… well, now I honestly ask myself at each meal if there is enough green.  Or… if not green, is there something from that list of 12 important foods.

During the week, when I’m stuck at my work desk, I am really trying to develop a grazing habit.  Three smaller meals during the course of my sedentary day.  Usually a berry smoothie, a small lunch, and then yogurt or cottage cheese with nuts and berries… or just nuts and fruit.  When I eat like that, my insides… feel better.  A little more air sometimes… but… well, everything moves.  Maybe that’s TMI.. but really, we let ourselves get so embarrassed by such notions, we stop paying attention to the very worthy indication.

I also gave up drinking again.  For Lent.  I figure it’s a good thing to forsake every couple of months.  Especially when my habit exceeds more than one glass.  I would say I sleep better again… but this morning… not so much.

But that… well, that’s because I finally went running yesterday.  The snowstorm of Tuesday melted rapidly, clearing the roads.  It was sunny and nearing 50 degrees.  I couldn’t squander that opportunity.  Like I often have to, I bribed myself with the notion it only had to be a walk.  But I got to a certain point and wanted to run.  It was tough – not having run since November.  My hips feel it this morning.  They felt it in my sleep, hence an earlier Sunday rise.  BUT… I breathed… and remembered what made it so grand.

I’m driving a lot today… so probably won’t get in a run today.  Maybe a walk.  In fact, I’m driving lots this week.  So I hope to get out for my lunchtime walks.  I don’t think it’s quite a mile.  But it’s fresh air and usually 20 minutes or so when I’m not sitting at my desk.

Well, that’s my ramble to make up for nothing in so many weeks.  But here’s to ending hibernation and consuming more green.

i don’t think so…

it was 15 yesterday.  weather man said it felt like -1.  yep.  walking in that wind did not happen.

it didn’t happen today either when the temp is actually 4 and it feels colder.

instead i took a nap.  i should have gotten on the Wii, but my shoulder is still hurting and i’m using it as an excuse.

today i didn’t make the water quota i know i should, i ate chicken wings and the above mentioned nap.  it wasn’t a good day.

i guess i have to start again sunday with a better outlook on life…  today’s just sucked!

to much change, to much fear.  easier to sit and wallow in it than to do something about it…

i did buy two new shirts i can wear to work, when i get a job…  they fit perfectly and i looked better than i have in a dressing room mirror in a long time!

i should use that as motivation to keep going…  that means Wii fit in the morning.  lord help me!